I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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