The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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