Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
