Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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