Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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