I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
