I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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