yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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