Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
