So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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