I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
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she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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