We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
