I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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