i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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