It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
