Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
