There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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