Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
