my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
