so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover