Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer