why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off