Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
