My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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