Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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