I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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