you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Is Oprah even human
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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