Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
