She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
