watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
