good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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