I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
