I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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