you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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