Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
