Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
