i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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