I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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