i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
