Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
