I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
