I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
