i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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