Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My vagina is officially offended.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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