my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
