Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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