Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize