Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
