Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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