...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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