this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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