My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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