the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
