Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I deserve this hangover.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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