some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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