Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
