i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
