I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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