You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
